why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
