I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
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My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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