Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
