I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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