Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
