I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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