Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
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We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
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To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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