The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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