dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
