She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
