There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
