i barfeds in our rink
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
