Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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