my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
