i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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