Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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