I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
