I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
