My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
