So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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