Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
