I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
