I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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