Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
