peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
