Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
