running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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