how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
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