Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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