why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
