AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
it's like iHOP with fire
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
