last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
