haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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