I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
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Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
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Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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