This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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