He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
