I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
