Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
