I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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