You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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