I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
