Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
