my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
