So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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