i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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