someone threw a dead crab at me
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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