He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
