if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize
