Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
