I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
