Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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