No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
