Where did you get a picture of my penis
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
