Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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