Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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