Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
