Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I am puke
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
