don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
